| |
bob
ditter / experts newsletter
PREVIOUS:
custom design work | NEXT:
testimonials
BACK
TO MAIN EXPERTS PAGE
Boy's Rap
[CLICK HERE
FOR PRINTABLE VERSION]
A powerful method
for helping boys work out disagreements and resolve their fights.
Objective:
To create a place where boys can be honest about their behavior,
be praised for taking ownership and support one another as a group.
Format:
Group discussion. The topic is how the boys have or have not been
getting along, quarreling, etc. A time limit is set (40-50 minutes),
the agreements are reviewed (below), the object of the meeting is
clarified and the discussion begins. Boys like being recognized
for being brave, and this is the approach used to help them admit
their quibbling with one another and take ownership for what they've
been doing that has contributed to arguing, fighting, etc.
Essential
Requirements:
- Safety in
the group meeting place!
- The space
the boys meet in must be private
- There must
not be any physical or verbal intimidation by adults or by the
boys
- It must be
made clear that the meeting is not about assigning blame, but
about getting along better.
- A non-judgmental,
preferably male facilitator will model listening, restraint, praise
and self-disclosure. ®It is best to have two or three adults present
at the meeting, especially if the fighting has been extreme.
- Left unchecked,
the boys will blame and counter-blame, which only perpetuates
the struggle. ®Remember that most boys essentially want justice.
In this encounter, that justice begins with each boy finding and
using the courage to admit what he has one to add to the fighting,
then get acknowledgment from a respected male adult authority
for taking this brave step.
Procedure:
The tips below are essential to success. Remember that as important
as what the boys say is the process -how the boys respect one another
and take risks or demonstrate courage and how the adults respond.
Keeping the group agreements is crucial to the process!
Specific
Steps:
- a.)
Whenever you meet with boys, whether they are four or fourteen,
have them sit in a circle. By sitting this way, every boy sees
every other boy in the group.
b.) Each boy should have his own space in the circle and
not be sitting on top of or hanging all over another boy (younger
boys and close friends tend to do this.) The idea is for each
boy to participate fully, without distractions, acting as their
own person.
c.) Whereas with girls I may choose to have everyone sit
on the floor, with boys it may be more productive to sit around
a picnic table. This keeps everyone feeling safe and helps impulsive
boys stay calm and prevents physical fighting.
- Adult facilitators
should sit across from one another, not side by side. Not only
does this give the adults greater exposure to the boys by spreading
out, it allows facilitators to see one another during the meeting
and signal each other in response to any change in the course
of the meeting or any "infraction" of the meeting "rules."
- Each meeting
should begin with a review of the agreements the boys make for
how the meeting is to be conducted. These rules should be written
on a piece of poster board or paper and held up at each gathering
of the group. ®Keep them simple! The agreements might sound like
the following:
a.) One boy speaks at a time. For younger or more impulsive
boys, use a pine cone, sea shell or similar object (not a stick
or a stone) for them to hold while talking. The person with the
object speaks. The adult facilitator always controls the object,
giving it out and then getting it back after each boy takes his
turn.
b.) Each boy speaks for himself. The only thing the facilitator
will accept (after an initial warm up period) is what a boy has
to say about what he has done to contribute to things being not
so great in the group. Boys have a habit of saying what "sins"
other boys have committed, not taking responsibility for their
own behavior. The deliberate act here is to praise boys for having
the courage to own up to what they have been doing. Explain that
this is a crucial step toward being a true man. This agreement
will need to be clarified as you go along.
c.)
Respect what each person says. This is another way of saying,
"No put downs." It is important to create and maintain an environment
where boys can feel heard, not judged or attacked. In addition,
the boys get praised by respected adult authorities for owning
their own misbehavior.
d.) What gets said here, stays here. This agreement helps
promote safety in the group by keeping what gets shared from being
turned into "gossip" ®and by preventing the quarreling from spilling
out beyond the meeting. Facilitators may want to amend this agreement
by stating that, as caring adults, they, too, will respect the
boys' privacy by not talking about what gets said in the meeting
except in a way that honors their privacy.
Other Tips:
- When you
first meet, it is best to have the boys generate their own meeting
"agreements."
- One adult
does the bulk of the talking for adults. The others sit respectfully
and ®listen.
- Overall,
the boys do most of the talking. Adults encourage, support, listen,
ask thoughtful questions in a respectful way and keep the agreements.
- The more
physical or extreme the fighting, the more important to use a
table and to have three adults for every 8 to 10 boys. Groups
over 12 are rarely productive in such a format.
- Younger boys
can meet for shorter time periods as their attention span is shorter.
- At the end
of the meeting, each adult should say something encouraging about
the boys courage and honesty.
- A plan should
be made to channel the aggressive or competitive energy of the
boys. This can be a tournament that harnesses their energy, or
a project that gets them working together.
- Another set
of agreements might be made to address behavior. Again, if this
is done, the agreements should be simple, realistic and few in
number.
The Job of
the Facilitator:
- To encourage
participation by listening and remaining non-judgmental.
- To validate
what a boy may think or feel.
- To actively
keep the meeting agreements.
- To praise
boys for being brave and admitting their role in the troubles.
- To help the
boys make a plan to change their behavior.
RETURN
TO TOP OF PAGE
|
|
For
a printer friendly
